Unless she is excessively naive or blatantly ignorant, don’t assume you know more than her about trans issues, including self-protection. Your claim of not being jealous but concerned will only seem legit if you keep your anxiety at bay and listen to what she has to say on the subject. You, meanwhile, are anxious from without. The woman you are dating lives in the same world as you do, so let’s presume that she has access to the same information and the added benefit of first-hand experience. It is true that trans people experience disproportionate violence, but it’s also true that trans people are people who may be aware of the stats and yet choose lives that aren’t dictated by fear. You are very thoughtful … and more than a little paternalistic. Queer men, in fact, are often adroit in a wide range of skills and talents, but owning an ass is owning an ass. One can be kind to and funny about animals while also great in bed. Accepting that completeness is going to do a lot for your long-term prospects. It may be getting in the way of your boner, but seeing your partner as a whole human is ultimately a good thing. Perhaps at this early juncture, it’s enough to know that you’re going to see some things while living with someone that make him a bit more difficult to objectify. I’m not sure how you’d begin to draw those lines-I wouldn’t start at the cat, as that animal was left by its previous family and should receive all the affection you and your boyfriend have to give.
I don’t know if you’re at the point where you need to start an alternate email account with which you can swap steamy notes with your man, or setting up weekly dates in hotel rooms for a sense of altered reality, but maybe there is something to be said in creating a bit of space now between you and your partner to cultivate a mystique. The more you know about someone, the less you may find them hot (which is part of why sex diminishes in frequency and intensity in so many long-term relationships), and in Mating in Captivity, Perel prescribes a few strategies for creating eroticizing distance in your relationship. I think you may be coming up against something Esther Perel has written and spoken about at length: Eroticism and familiarity can be at odds. A huge turn-on of mine is hearing a dude moan in a way that suggests he’s giving himself over to the situation and thus is vulnerable to the pleasure that I’m helping facilitate. I’d argue that part of the fun of hooking up with butch guys is unwrapping their layers to that gooey middle. That just goes to show how it operates as a front-even if boys are socialized to withhold their feelings from the world, those teachings don’t eradicate the feelings. Masculinity is in part defined by a chill, a relaxedness, an absence of expressed emotion. Since we’re examining a dynamic between men, and since masculinity (as an ideal, and by extension, something to fall short of) weighs so heavily in so many relationships between men, I’d like to meditate on that for a second. A front-row seat to someone’s home life means that it’s in your best interest to be open to those multitudes. Surely you’re familiar with the concept of containing multitudes. His ability to love a cat (and write some bars about her) is not at odds with his capacity for domination.
Living with your boyfriend has given you a window into his private existence. The good news is that you’re being offered the opportunity to do just that.
I mean this in the kindest possible way: You have some growing up to do.